An Insubstantial Blog

Things are frustrating. I'm sick. I'm not getting better. And I'm working. I'm trying to be good. I'm not drinking. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm starting to take vitamins. I want to be healthy. I want to enjoy myself. I want to be able to walk places and not rely on the tube. Right now I can't walk places because I'll start coughing and get tired. Fuck that shit, I'm 22. My body should not act like this.

Right now, I just want to be better by my birthday. But it's so frustrating. I have grad school apps due. I can't write the essays. My brain is so hazy and feverish and dumb feeling.

Things at work will be fine. But combined with illness and a few things that suck/just came up, it's stressful. If I wasn't sick, my attitude would have been, hey! more money and I would have shrugged off the disappointment.

As soon as the apps are in and I feel better, things will sort out. Once my parents decide what the hell they are doing and I get their vacation sorted out I will feel better. Then, I can put my thoughts on planning Italy and Scotland. Maybe Wales, maybe Ireland, maybe France? And this all hinges on me not getting sick. Not spending all my savings on doctors and medicines and stupid shit. Right now, I've saved enough for Scotland and I don't want to let go of it.

And I want to see the city. Save money by walking. See the city by walking. People say London is not a walking city. It's too damn big. No, you just walk longer and then you wander down small streets. Then you hope to god you see the London Underground sign when you are finally completely lost and your London A-Z map doesn't seem to help much. That's how you see the city. That's how I was seeing the city. Now I feel stuck.

Next week, hopefully, I'll be going to Canterbury and Dover. Maybe I've read too much Jane Austen, but I get this whole Victorian thing about the country here. You love London, then you can't wait to get away. You need to live in London but you need vacations in the country. I can't wait to wander around Canterbury. To go somewhere where it's a bit quiet. That was my first reaction at Dover on my way to Brugge. It was quiet. It's never quiet in London. My first lesson was to learn to sleep through the street noise, the sirens, and the drunk students. To sleep through my roommates coughing when she was sick and not sleeping through my own more recently. And the complete absense of privacy. I go out on my own a lot to get out of here. My workmates are great but they are always there. They always know what I'm doing. So I go out alone. And then I'm caught on CCTV 500 times a day.

But I digress. What my body needs is more sleep. Somehow, I seem to have a bit of insomnia lately. I blame this on the non-drowsy cough medicine making me non-drowsy. However, I think it's just one of my bouts of insomnia. And while I'd like to just give in and stay up until 5am on the internet, that's not a good idea. So goodnight, and I will try to update more in the future.